Yesterday was an emotional day for me. My husband and I bought our dream home up on a hill with beautiful views and 4.25 acres and we've been so happy here (not the emotional part. Keep reading), but it also meant that we had to sell our old home. 10 years ago that was our dream home. We raised our children, our son was 1 year old when we moved to it and eventually our daughter graduated High School while we lived there. When I open the door I still can see our first dog Ginger running up to greet me every day. Her ashes are buried in the back yard. On the side yard is a piece of concrete we poured that has my kids' hand prints in it. The downstairs bathroom is tiny but it has 3 light switches and the toilet always makes a funny noise after you flush it. The spot on the ceiling in our master bedroom isn't water, it is a stain made by a sticky hand that my son got stuck permanently up there. The shelves above the linen closet is where our family photos sat. Every corner of the house holds some precious memory.
I went to do a final walk through yesterday and I literally sat on the floor of this now empty house and cried for a good 1/2 hour. Not the tear up kind of cry - the full on sob, can't catch my breath kind of cry. And somehow my husband was on the phone while I'm having my meltdown and being a man, did his best to understand the irrational woman on the other end of the line. He threw me a couple of "It's going to be okay" platitudes but I already knew that. It is already okay. We are so happy in our new home. My crying wasn't about being anything that could be fixed. And so I told him "I just need to be sad right now because I am mourning the loss of something that is near and dear to me. I just need to let out the sadness."
And so I allowed myself the space to feel whatever grief I was feeling. And as I walked out and locked the door for the last time and heard the familiar sound of the clicking of the handle, I didn't try to be happy or hopeful or anything other that what I was feeling right in that moment. I was sniffly and red faced and truly kind of pathetic and I was ready to own it. I needed to give into those emotions if only to honor my feelings of loss, even in the happiest of circumstances.
So sometimes being fully present or in the 'now' isn't about feeling all peaceful and happy - that's where we get lost and feel like a failure because we weren't perfectly self developed. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to feel the anger or sadness that pops up so that we can get on with the next step of our day or of our lives. When we try to be perfect and in control of all of our feelings all of the time we end up holding onto those heavy emotions and they never really go away. So to be imperfect and sit on the floor to cry because we're sad is okay - it's better than okay. It's because of those moments of release that I now have room for moments of joy.