This morning I woke up with an impossibly long list of things to do running through my head. Coming off of a three day weekend and then leaving tomorrow for a conference in Arizona, today is the only day I have to crank out a huge list of work and get packed and buy water and snacks. I even have delusions of checking out a couple of stores for a new pair of shoes (what? I have to look cute right?). So then I start thinking of all the things I'm not going to get to and why. There is even this moment when I think that I've found my 'out' - that I simply don't have enough time to go to this conference and that I can't be away from my son and husband for that long (Wednesday through Sunday) and I won't be able to get everything together in time so I'm just not going.
Don't get me wrong, I want to go to this event. It's for me and my development as a person, a coach and a business woman. There's the excited anticipation of having an adventure. What if I learn so much that my life mystically expands? What if I finally find my people - women with whom I can totally relate to on a spiritual and business level? What if I look so super cute they give me an award for being best dressed? It could happen. What if the sky suddenly opens and my answers all come flooding down from heaven? What if I come home and my business transforms and I have 10 people working for me as I float on the wings of success?
That's about the time that my little critical voice chimes in and starts freaking me out. I feel selfish for spending the money and taking time away from my family. I feel like I probably won't learn anything new and will have wasted a week of my life. Mystical openings? Right... What if I hate everyone there? Or they hate me? I've gone to lots of talks, what is going to make this one any different? What if my car has troubles in the desert heat? What if I get hungry in the afternoon and my stomach starts to growl in the middle of the talking and there's nothing I can do about it? What if I'm wearing the wrong clothes and I'm too cold or too hot? I should have made more time to go buy those new shoes. At the core, I feel guilty for caring for myself when I should be busy caring for my family and my business and for everything else in my life.
So I'm sitting here telling myself the same thing that I tell my clients - take a deep breath and stop running best and worst case scenarios in my head. Those stories are making me feel overwhelmed and are taking me away from the things I need to be focusing on, which is wrapping things up today and getting packed and ready.
There is everything right about doing something for me and my development. I don't run off everyday, it's once in a blue moon that I feel compelled to do something like this. I know deep inside that this is right for me, that I need to be there for some reason that my overly active imagination can't surmise. I don't know the big picture but I know that all of the fears will go away when I sit down and let them go at the opening of the workshop. I'll get done what needs to get done and I'll hop into my car tomorrow after giving my son way too many instructions and driving my husband crazy with details he already knows. And when I get to Phoenix I will take a deep breath and stay present to the experience I am awesome enough to give to myself.
I will continue breathing throughout the day, letting go of the stories and reminding myself that this is a gift, I am giving myself the gift of self care and I won't squander it by getting tied up in my mental clutter. I will say thank you to myself as if someone just handed me a present. My playlist is ready to go and by morning, I will be too!